all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
