i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
