I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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