I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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