God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
