My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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