In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
