I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
