I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
