Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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