I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
