great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
