Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
