Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
porn star boner night. come get it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
