God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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