he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
