I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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