It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
