I met the friendliest cop last night
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
