She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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