i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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