how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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