I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
