It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
