yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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