watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Randomize
