I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
