i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
