when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
