I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
this is an emotional support booty call
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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