I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
