I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
