Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
