It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
