I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
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I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
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And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
