Nicole vs. Life
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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