I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
