you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
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My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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