I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
