Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
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He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
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I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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