Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
