If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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