there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
