Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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