I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
