his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
