you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize