Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
dude. I can hear the air.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
