you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
