I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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