If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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