i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
