She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
The best revenge is premature balding
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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