wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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