I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
