hell yes lets make some ravioli
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
