I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
