she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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