every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
