hell yes lets make some ravioli
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
