haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
