at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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